Erling Haaland scores goals. A lot of them. 62 goals. 54 appearances for Norway. It’s ridiculous efficiency. Even wilder. The reports say he eats 6,000 a day. Six. Thousand. Calories. Just to stay awake.
Most dietitians would have a seizure seeing those numbers. The Dietary Guidelines of America suggest 1,600 to 3,000 max. Maybe less. To burn off what Haaland puts in. You’d have to run. Like, continuously. For seven hours. Or jump rope. Five hours. Or have sex for twenty hours straight. Unless you are a Norwegian machine made of muscle and ambition. Good luck with that.
Haaland isn’t average. He played soccer. A physically brutal game. His metabolism probably laughs at yours. He eats differently because he is different. Not a typical human. He scores nine goals in one match once. Don’t judge him. Judge yourself for sleeping on a Tuesday.
The ‘Ancestral’ Angle
What is on the plate. People ask this. Always. Haaland calls it ancestral. Vague term. There is no single ancestral diet. Our ancestors didn’t follow a blog post. They ate what survived them. Or killed them. Usually local. Usually raw or lightly cooked. No processed crap. No refined sugar. No industrial seed oil.
Whole foods only. Local. In season. Meat. Plants. Nothing weird.
He eats the whole animal. Nose-to-tail. Sounds gross until you see the nutrient profile. He eats cow hearts. Liver. Documented in that 2022 film about him. He also eats sea bass. Raw honey. Asparagus. Fried rice with egg.
Wait. Fried rice. That doesn’t sound ancestral. Depends on the rice. Depends on the oil. Haaland probably knows the difference between good fat and bad fat. You might not.
Organ meats are nutrient bombs. Cheap. Too. Why eat steak when heart works just fine and tastes better.
It’s true. Hearts. Liver. Kidneys. Sweetbread. They have iron. Magnesium. Zinc. Vitamin A. Vitamin K. B-vitamins. All the stuff missing from your salad. Processed food strips nutrients out. Makes you hungry again in twenty minutes. Ultra-processed foods are linked to early death. And colorectal cancer. Scary. Inflammation is bad. Hormones hate it. Your body didn’t evolve for corn syrup. It evolved for venison. Or whatever your great-great-grandpa hunted.
The Risks of Living Like a Caveman
But wait. Stop. Before you run to buy tripe. There are downsides. Cholesterol in organs. High. Saturated fat too. Eat too much liver. Too much vitamin A. It gets toxic. Pregnancy becomes dangerous. Iron overload. Not fun. You turn into an Iron Man who actually turns red from internal rusting.
Gout. Big one. Organs have purines. Purines make uric acid. Uric acid makes your big toe feel like it’s on fire. Gout attacks suck. Don’t test it.
Some studies link organs to fatty liver disease. Bladder cancer too. The links aren’t solid. Science is messy. Needs more data. If you are at risk. Think twice. Maybe don’t. It depends on your DNA. Your lifestyle. Your genetics.
Also. Our ancestors died young. Scourged by plague. Scurvy was real. They lacked nutrients. Modern food helps. Grains give fiber. Vitamins. Don’t throw it all out just because Haaland prefers liver over lentils.
So what should you do. Don’t copy Haaland. He is six-foot-five. You are five-seven with lower back pain. Scale down the calories. Way down. Unless you are Michael Phelps in 2008.
Watch the cholesterol. Check your liver enzymes. Add vegetables. Maybe grains. Find what works for you. Not for him. His diet fuels him. It might fuel your ulcer. Or your gout. Or just your regret.
One size never fits all. Ever.
Why eat like him anyway. Unless you want to score 60 goals and still be miserable about cholesterol.
